Parenting blunders. What you should unlearn now and forever. (2)

In part 1 of this parenting blunders tri-series, we saw how comparing with others and labelling your child can do immense harm to their mental growth. In this concourse, we shall be dealing with some of the very commonly committed blunders in our daily conduct as parents.

Parenting Blunders
#3 Belittling  your kid

‘Making your child feel unimportant, small, non-worthy, inferior or minimised’.

This one hurts real bad, whipping up one brutal blow after another to his/her (still maturing) self-esteem. No doubt, psychologists label this parenting behaviour as ’emotional/psychological abuse’ and warn against its dire consequences.

How do we define abuse? Literally, it translates into anything done or said (intentionally or unintentionally) leading to fraying of someone’s personhood. Thankfully, as parents, we fall in the unintentional damage category. Nonetheless, the damage is real.

Parents often gauge their child’s behaviour against the best adult benchmarks, be it emotional maturity or physical capacity. No doubt they feel unsatisfied by their little one’s best efforts. This frustration displays itself in use of some very nasty and belittling comments.

Once in a while, the situation tends to get out of control and even the best of us can’t stop being judgemental and passing a harsh comment. That’s part of healthy (normal) parenting. Only when it gets to the point of being a routine, you abusing your child now and then with hurting statements, it can become real trouble.

These regular discouraging comments become a big hurdle in the development of your child’s self-esteem and personal ego, hampering a solid character building.
Willingly or unwillingly you become the cause of his/her life-long trouble. The kids who constantly endure this kind of emotional abuse either end up as bully or the bullied, lacking a mature personal ego.

Kids revere their parents, looking up to them for support, protection, encouragement and growth. When such hurtful words/statements are uttered by their (perceived) super-heroes, their already immature judgement is taken for a ride, and the verdict is internalised. As parents, we should avoid using language that is belittling, prejudiced, proscribing, slandering, typical statements or words that are personally demeaning.

RED-ALERT ZONE (WORDS THAT HURT, AND HURT BAD)

• He is good for nothing, don’t even bother asking him.
• Loser.
• Worthless.
• We never expect anything good coming from her. Such a waste.
• Dont even try, you won’t be able to do this.
• I wish we had a more capable son.
• Dumb-ass.
• Useless.
• Unworthy.
• Shame.
• Disgrace.
• Nothing.

Shield yourself from committing these parenting blunders. The road heads straight towards low self-esteem, poor character development, and distorted self-ego. I can bet that this is exactly the opposite of what any parent wishes to bless their child with.

What to do? Imagine that your beautiful garden got infested with stray weeds and your rose is not able to bloom. It is imperative that you deweed the garden, but its equally critical that you place extra care and nurture the good rose. More water, more sun, more nutrition. Supporting the good that is still there might be the best solution.

You may find it perplexing yet encouragement is the key to what you desire. Positive reinforcement strategies are scientifically proven to be superior to the negative conditioning and effectively inculcate the desired behaviour in your child.

Next time you wana say: Leave it, you can’t do it.
Try to say: It’s a tough task even for a grown-up, let’s try and give it your best.

Just take a moment to rephrase what you want to convey, minimizing the damage, and maximising the boost your child deserves. Understand the difference between encouragement and belittling. The former helps your child develop mature self-esteem while the latter pulverises it heartlessly.

Be the support system your child deserves, the soil that nurtures with love and patience. There is no dearth of critics in the world, waiting to pounce on their weakness.

Parenting Blunders
#4 Knowing = Doing

One strong notion that parents hold is that if their child knows something in theory s/he should be able to put in into action. And, if that is not the case, its deliberate attempt to defy the parental authority.

Let me check with you some adult facts before jumping down to childhood.

# cigarette smoking is injurious to health
# alcohol consumption is injurious to health
# perform at your own risk/ proceed at your own risk
# exercising daily is good for health
# using excess screen is hazardous to personal life

The list is extensive, so is the daily defiance by most adults. I hope we agree here that even a mature adult brain can’t put in action all that it knows to be true and acknowledges as legitimate.

Therefore, the notion: ‘My child knows it’s wrong, he/she should be able to put it in action too’ is a crude overstatement. Kids deserve some leniency here.

Let’s get back to children. Most kids know the importance of regular studies, healthy food, exercise, discipline, etc. When questioned, they often come up with the most competent answers. Yet, most parents find it extremely difficult to see these well-meaning thoughts put in action.

The list of ‘ WHY CAN’T YOU DO IT, HOW MANY TIMES SHALL I TELL YOU THE SAME THING AGAIN AND AGAIN?’ is endless, and reasonably one of the top reasons for parental frustration.

This is extremely important that you teach your kids ‘the right ways of life’. It’s your responsibility. Their morality stems from your teachings, both in words and through actions. Yet, it would be too hard on you and your kids if you get heavily bent on having it done perfectly, always. Relax, negotiate, ignore, even let go when permissible. Mental peace!

Let’s answer a few questions internally before we externalise the conclusion:

• Is this behaviour a routine with your kid or it’s once in a while deviation?
• Can the situation get dangerous or hurt someone if you don’t intervene immediately?
• Do you have the time and energy to sit and talk it out patiently?
• Are you and your child in the right frame of mind for a calm discussion?

A messy room can stay messed up for few more days, a day of not brushing in a fortnight is not a red card for dentist visit, no one can gobble down everything put on a plate daily, and an occasional skip from study-time is ok unless the grades tell a different story.

Constant nagging can have a reverse effect. The child starts to dislike the desired behaviour as it gets linked to parental anger. To avoid your anger and nags, s/he may do it in your presence and skip it otherwise. And, you won’t be around always! The avoidance of reprimand is perceived as a positive reward. Much like dodging your boss for a cup of coffee or a small gossip session right amid your office hours. Harmless yet gratifying!

Nudge your saplings in the right direction with patience and encouragement. Your attitude and aptitude pave their path. In no time the unwanted weeds will die of inattention and the beautifully nurtured rosebuds will be gleaming everywhere.

Parenting Blunders #5 Equating Punishment to Discipline

I always say that using Punishment and reprimand as behaviour correction-tool is one gross parenting gaffe.

Punishment is penalizing the wrong while Discipline, on the other hand, is teaching the right. Punishments/Reprimands tell the child what not to do. The child avoids the targeted behaviour in front of the penalising parent, dodging the punishment.

Discipline teaches what to do and how to do it in the best possible way. It is up to you to decide: What do you want? A child who does not embarrass you by doing something wrong or a child who makes you proud by doing it the right way. Sadly, it is not the child who will be the decisive factor for this. It was and will always be your choice: punishment or discipline.

My blog “Punishment And Reprimands: Futile And The Most Counterproductive Parenting Tool.” petitions against this deep-rooted predicament.

Stay tuned in for the concluding segment of our innocently committed parenting blunders. Till then, Happy and guilt-free Parenting to you all.