Punishment And Reprimands: Futile And The Most Counterproductive Parenting Tool.

Using Punishment and reprimand as behavior correction-tool is one gross parenting gaffe.

poonam darswal

When asked about the greatest personal challenge faced so far – my undisputed vote goes to – Being a parent. The most difficult and unarguably, the most important question haunting the parent inside us is how to discipline the little monsters and cultivate the desired behavior in them? While there is much to be deliberated on how to achieve this target; today, I would like to highlight the most frequent yet avoidable mistake we all make in this ambitious pursuit, which would be – punishing and reprimanding our kids.

For me, it’s ranked above the predicaments I face at my workplace (operation theater and ICU), and is by far, my toughest battleground.

Let’s proceed by taking one step at a time and try to answer some very interesting yet controversial facets of this problem:

•  Define what constitutes punishment and/or reprimand?
•  What we aim to achieve when we punish vs what we precisely accomplish?
•  Short and long term effects of punishment on the child.
•  Can punishment be delivered effectively?
•  What are our alternatives?
• Why we punish, what makes this problem so commonplace?

In this discussion, we shall try and get to the roots of this problem as we troubleshoot each aspect highlighted above.

What do we mean by punishment and/or reprimand?

The first step in the right direction for solving any problem is to correctly define it. Whether you are attempting to conquer the Everest or desire a simple stroll in the garden, you must take that first step.

To punish is to hurt- “inflict suffering, physical or psychological, for past behavior.”

Physical/corporal punishment is defined as  “Any punishment in which physical force is used and intended to cause some degree of pain or discomfort” http://www.ohchr.org/EN/ProfessionalInterest/Pages/CRC.aspx

As laypersons, we often think of a hard slap or hitting with/out an external object as punishment, and have some violent images of beaten kids saved in our memory for the same.

Apart from this overtly violent and physical form, punishment also includes but is not limited to-
• shoveling
• threatening
• pulling or pushing with force
• scowling
• emotional abuse, calling names
• subtle daily sarcasm and taunting
• more than a few times a week slaps on the back or butt
• belittling/embarrassing in front of others
• time-outs
• and so on

The worst mental assumption we make is equating punishment to discipline. Discipline when lain beside punishment has an altogether different definition and intent.

A punishing parent desires to control the child while discipline aims at teaching the child how to control himself.

“To discipline means to teach.”

Discipline is proactive, rather than punishment which is purely reactive.

Suppose your child gets late every day in getting ready for school. A punishing parent will adopt strategies like hitting, scolding, and launch verbal abuses (like- you will never learn how to do things on time/can u ever get up on time and make my life easy, etc. ) to take control of the situation.

On the contrary, discussing with your child the importance of being on time, helping her get up and get ready, and if possible praising/rewarding her progress, is the right way to teach and discipline.
There is one hell of a difference here. isn’t it?

What we aim to achieve when we punish v.s. what we precisely accomplish?

What makes parents turn to such negative strategies in longing for a positive behavior outcome?

Parents believe that punishment teaches the child what not to do and helps promote positive behavior. Although in reality, it mostly stems from parental stress, anger, frustration, desire to control the child, and as a means of showcasing authority.

The immediate and powerful parental reward of penalizing their child is that the punishment stops the behavior immediately, there and then
FULL STOP! This activates our brain’s reward center and has the capacity to trap the parents in this vicious cycle of hurting their own child in the process.
None wants to think beyond such a gratifying response. Do you?

Let’s say your kid was hitting her younger sibling. Common scene I am guessing! and a very frustrating one indeed. You pull her away, give a tight slap on her cheek, and send her to time out. A very common way of punishment strategy in many households.

Your child is shocked by the sudden intervention,stops, and leaves the crime scene. Much relief!

Now, to the relevant question that arises here- Why did you hit?

Probable answers may be:

• You want her to stop hitting. You succeed, she stopped!
• She should not hit her in the future. Sorry, mission failure alert! Punishing has no effect on the occurrence of the behavior in the future and it’s proven by years of scientific research.
• She must learn to behave nicely with her sibling. Sorry again, you did not do anything teaching her how to do that. A tender mind can not understand why is it ok for you to hit or shout at her when it’s totally unacceptable when she behaves the same way.

Its scientifically proven that harsh punishments apart for the startling effect of stopping the behavior at the moment, have no long term positive effects. In fact, this may have damaging physical and psychological consequences. This path fails miserably in positive character-building invariably.

It’s a vicious trap. A child misbehaves- you punish- the child misbehaves again- you punish more- the child misbehaves more- you punish even more. From a warning to a slap to a hit to a beating and so-on. There is a tendency to level up the intensity of penalty borne by the child each time the offense is repeated. It is worth noting that the child remarkably and efficiently adapts to your new level at no more than a spinal level. No thinking, no learning, and no change in behavior at all.

The confused, angry, and frustrated parent wants to hold on to his authority while the confused, hurt child has no idea what else to do.

Punishment consequences:

☻Potential for physical harm

The most dreaded and perceptible effect of corporal punishment is the potential for injury. The severity of which is limited only by the amount of force used by the parent. We all are aware of the battered babies and the harm they suffer, but that’s extreme and hopefully, out of context here. Let’s be focussed on the day to day penalties like slaps, shoveling, pulling, pushing, etc.

The physical harm inflicted may not be limited to the sharp pain felt with the slap, but with increasing degrees of force, the child may suffer major trauma like cuts, bruises, and fractures.

Be warned, there is a formidable potential of parental hurt too. Parents may get hit by flailing arms and legs, attempts to escape by the child, and the most feared one i.e. actual revenge strike by the child, especially in chronic and violent cases.

☻Withdrawal and escapism

Imagine being betrayed by your most trusted person. A child who receives punishment from a parent feels very much the same. As parents, we are entrusted with their wellbeing and safety. When this agreement is breached and the parent becomes the cause of the agony of the child, it is so natural for the child to experience this emotional turmoil.

Scientific studies have reaffirmed the fact, time and again, that physical punishment is linked to poor parent-child relationships.

The child tends to avoid the cause of this pain, which for him/her is not the behavior but ‘the punishing parent’. There is a high probability that s/he will not confide unconditionally in that parent.

☻Violent/ aggressive behavior

This stems from the child imbibing his parent’s behavior and is the perfect form of observant learning. The child is more likely to be aggressive and rebellious in outlook and will use violence as a common problem-solving tool in daily life.

Becoming a bully or being bullied is common and extensions of their emotional vulnerability.

☻Health issues

Years of intense research and follow up of children has confirmed that frequent and severe punishments can lead to-

• a weak immune system,
• frequent low health states,
• diabetes,
• hypertension,
• cancer,
• early death, and
• mental health problems

Almost all psychosis and mental illnesses are more common in this set of populations. It has been stamped with scientific research that there is a strong link between corporal punishment and antisocial behavior including delinquency.

☻Problems with academics, school-trouble

• low academic performance,
• problem with concentration,
• dislike for authority,
• school avoidance, and
• drop-out

Despite the strong scientific background against the use of negative consequences, this mode of parenting is in wide use. Parents need to focus on shaping their penalizing strategies into less hurting and more productive forms.

Can punishment be delivered in a productive manner?

Let us see how some improvised punishment methods can be used to imprint the desired behavior. There is no scope of recommending any form of physical force, and/or severe reprimands here, which are proven to be inefficient, even dangerous.

♠Time-out:

Time-out is defined as sending the child away from the scene of the crime to a predefined place, for a predefined time. The alone-time serves as the “negative consequence” (or punishment) for undesired behavior and allows for some self-reflection by the child. To make this common punishing model more effective, the parent should-

• clearly state why the child earned herself the time-out.
• limit the time frame (5 to 10 minutes). Severe penalties lose effectiveness and may become counter-productive.
• not allow access to entertainment or time-pass ( TV, mobile, games, someone to talk to or play with).
• not fix time-out in the child’s room where s/he has access to passing time at leisure.
• be able to watch passively especially for young children.
• not indulge in an argument over the behavior at that time. Have your discussions separately in a neutral environment.
• have a ready back up in form of taking away of privileges like Storytime/ Screentime/ or TV access.
• discuss this plan with the child and frame out the time out strategy, place, and privileges at stake; at all times be open to suggestions by your little one.

♠Taking away privileges and other negative consequences

Taking away privileges like screen time, story-time, or direct negative consequences like adding chores and responsibilities may be effective if employed wisely. Always state the behavior and the consequence to be born distinctly.

Limit the deprivation, or enforce the penalty for to a maximum of 24-48 hours. Longer times are not associated with increased efficiency and may actually lead to the opposite effect.

♠ Purposeful inattention

It’s like taking away all fuel from the fire. Punishment is equivalent to attention albeit hostile, and your child’s behavior may thrive on this reinforcement. It’s particularly true if you indulge in a lot of brainstorming over the behavior with your child, discussing the pro and cons of it at length.

If the behavior is not destructive, or an immediate threat to someone’s safety, you can try a preplanned and well thought of ‘ignoring strategy’.

Imagine your child says a vulgar word or is using some ugly gesture. It might be a wise plan to ignore it in plain sight and resist the temptation to confront the child. A favorable outcome like laughing, clapping, enjoying, or a negative attention like punishment and reprimanding, can act as the fuel that keeps the ignition on. 

The most important ingredient of inattention is the emotional flatness with which it is delivered. No scowling, and no threats. Act as if nothing happened and carry on with your usual business. Best firefighters know how crucial it is to starve the fire of its fuel.

♠Positively reinforcing the desired opposite behavior

The most crucial thing to conjure here is that by punishing you only tell the child what not to do. There must a simultaneous effort to teach him- what to do instead.

If your child is punished for cheating, every time he plays fair must be acknowledged and reinforced, fortifying the behavior.

If your child hits her siblings, every time she is calm and poised with them, she must be appreciated.

For each punishment delivered, you must positively reinforce the desired opposite behavior as much as you can.

Let’s contradict the commonly used yet inefficient parental outburst against its calm and productive ally when attempting to penalize any bad behavior.

The mantra here is–
Always try and be as calm as possible, never label your child, make sure your child knows why is he being punished, be very clear about the negative consequence to be born by the child, don’t bring in past mistakes, and if possible be ready with a preplanned back up a penalty in case of default.

Are there any alternatives to punishment?

Yes, and many? The debate on these would be just as exciting, but I find that out of this article’s scope and we shall deliberate on that sometime later.

These programs or ways of dealing with problems focus on rewarding and nurturing the good in the child and are potent behavior modulation tools.

Why we punish, what makes the problem so commonplace?

Is it even moral?

This problem is deep-rooted and multifaceted, not simply a matter of personal choice. Our strong personal beliefs, cultural support, and the mindset of society in which we live nurture the notion of its righteousness. If society accepts it as a norm to punish the children, we are more likely to do the same.

Can we hit another adult, if not for self-defense? NO!

How can it be ok to hit a child, just because the poor soul would be incapable of clearly defining the physical and emotional pain caused by you? To me, it seems a harsh disregard for human rights.

As many as 50 countries have banned any kind of physical punishment at home or in school.

A child is as much a  human as you and me, and this fact should never be undermined. God gifted us these tiny saplings and our role is simply acting as pillars of strength; guiding, and helping the little ones in their own journey. By no means, we own the little souls, and it is absolutely wrong and unwarranted to hurt them in the skirmish of our own frustrations and anger.

You are made the caretaker of an extraordinary garden,

You are their “keep me safe” person, evils out shouting warden,

Yet, that shall not mean you own the flowers,

Your foremost job is to groom their powers,

Nurture and support is all you should deliver here,

These little warriors should not have you to fear,

In you, they look for comfort, love, and care,

To breach this bond shall not be any fair.

Disclaimer:    The opinions expressed in this post are the personal views of the author. This article was originally published with momspresso @ https://www.momspresso.com/parenting/879ab3e4671d4941a06c0ab9ea87fe91/article/understanding-the-powerlessness-of-punishment-as-a-parenting-tool-nzgsx6pb2v3j?lang=0, https://www.momspresso.com/parenting/879ab3e4671d4941a06c0ab9ea87fe91/article/understanding-the-powerlessness-of-punishment-as-a-parenting-tool-part-2-5g92zv8o3kla?lang=0