Sibling Rivalry: The day I asked my (now) sweetheart sis to jump off the roof.

Sounds scary! Yet, all siblings witness such unfortunate events more than once in their lifetime. Sibling rivalry is no doubt one of the most corrosive relationship spoiler and an unwelcome patron of parental anxiety.

Our growing up story is no extra-ordinary tale, just another fascinating case of sibling rivalry.

I was an unruly, pampered kid (thanks to my father) and she was overtly protected, being the youngest.

She would find one reason after another, most unjustified and overtly exaggerated for pity, to get me punished at the hands of our (otherwise) cool dude father. In turn, I would try one trick after another, to take my due revenge.

This particular episode is my most visited flash-bulb memory, and perhaps the most enjoyed trip down the memory lane in our family.

It goes some 30 odd years back. I was approximately 7 years, and my younger one was blooming in her 5^th year of life. We got along well on most of the days, yet brawled like angry kittens on many.

On this very ordinary day, we played amicably, mingled together like one soul in two bodies. Suddenly, as if out of thin air, some evil shaman cast a combat spell over us. We struck each-other with some nasty blows, shrieked at deafening frequencies, and sobbed till we slept. Full-stop!

At least, I thought so.

Fast-forward to evening.

We lay cuddled snugly in our shared blanket, half asleep half awake, eyes glued on to our beloved TV set. The loud chiming of our doorbell broke our slumber. She leapt out of the blanket like a cat with her tail-on-fire, greeted daddy with tearful eyes and loud sobs, repeating- ‘Billu hit me, Papa!’

Tired from his office load, and irritated by the grumpiest welcome, he did not waste another valuable moment of his precious time.

SLAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My chubby pink cheeks now bore five red-hot imprints, fresh and crisp.

The burning hot flesh experienced sharp nabbing pain, yet that was nothing compared to the suffering endured by my little soul. My beautiful green eyes drowned themselves in a sea of salty pearls. I was mute for a while. His husky voice broke the silence, as I was threatened with another slap if one more tear dropped down my puffed red eyes.

I did not cry anymore. A remarkable strength for a wounded 7-year-old! Nevertheless, I was hurt, toiling with relentless fury inside. I can still feel the profoundly painful assault on my still ‘growing-up’ little ego.

The day wrapped off as if nothing had happened, another boring Monday out of the hundreds we had already spent together.

Did it actually end?

The anger slithered inside me like the gashed Nagini ( the legendary evil snake in Harry Potter) corroding any healing that time permitted. The calm outside hid a smouldering volcano inside, waiting to erupt at an appropriate time.

‘The Fateful Day’

I, she (soon to be a victim) and our cousin (Deepu) were playing on our rooftop, twirling like mad hens. We were running swiftly decorating everything with our soiled footprints when I came to a sudden halt at the corner of our rooftop (that looked directly at the cemented floor of our garden). Deepu joined me in this pursuit. I still can’t remember how I managed to find an ally in effecting something so horrid.

She looked at us puzzled and what came out of my mouth that day still haunts me.

“Nobody loves you Ashu! Mom and dad are so ashamed of having a daughter like you. Your life is worthless. We think you should just jump off the roof and let everyone else live in peace”. The words did not display the slightest hint of anger and were spoken with such calm and concerned tone that disguised my intended revenge almost perfectly.

God is merciful!

She did climb up the railing and stood there for a while contemplating her thoughts and reasoning within herself to come up with the most appropriate action/reaction. Thankfully, she turned back and stepped down, back to the safety of our mundane roof.

A welcome disappointment for me! ( I did try my best, though.)

We still go back and visit this precariously delightful memory together, laughing at the innocent yet powerful display of our sibling rivalry.

Jokes apart, this could have gone the wrong way denouncing my petty little soul into a lifetime of dismal agony.

We enacted sibling rivalry to perfection, on more than just once. One day I tried to burn her with an incense stick. Well, I did gift her a teeny-weeny, almost 2nd degree, burn around her armpit.

Once I wrote a really offensive letter to our elder sister and put her initials on it (instead of mine). I won’t say I did not like the grim look on her face when Munna didi (the ‘feared-by-everyone’ eldest born of the family) found it and ran after her.

She got me some sound beatings, and I took on her with my weirdest revenge executions. We continued playing the cat-mouse game till an adult brain enlightened us and circumstances forged a beautiful bond between us.

Today, she is the’ bestest-of-the-best’ buddies that I can count on, whenever and wherever. My ‘no-questions-asked’ helpline.

There is much to learn and still so much more to learn for us, as parents, hidden behind these seemingly cute acts of sibling rivalry. Parents make remarkably similar mistakes when handling kids who have a difficult time getting along each other.

Siblings without rivalry is a wonderful book dealing with this delicate topic in detail. It shows you how to identify the problem, and how to effectively and productively deal with it.

I can’t do justice to the topic in this small space even if I attempt my best. Nevertheless, I shall summarise what I think can be done to make matters look a little less grim.

Shun prejudice and avoid favoritism

Firstly, we tend to act without giving a productive thought to the situation. We react in a flash, jumping to some misleading conclusions based on our prejudiced thinking. You must avoid favouritism based on past encounters.

Take a breather and walk out of the battleground, if needed. Give some time for yourself and the situation to cool off so that you can think rationally rather than reactionary.

Treat each situation as a novel experience. Hear each one out separately, question and counter-question. Check your facts and dismiss all doubts based on pure assumptions.

Avoid casting children in set labels

Second, parents must avoid framing children into set-labels. We often label children as the victim (assumed underdog), and the wrongdoer (assumed troublemaker). Kids strongly believe in their labels and act in ways that justify them. This happens at a spinal level after some time, that shuts down the higher and mature functioning brain preventing the child from thinking rationally.

Act as a well meaning mediator.

Most importantly, don’t add fuel to fire. Act as a mediator helping them in coming to an agreeable common ground, wherein they can compromise and set mutually acceptable boundaries.

Avoid blame and punishment. Act as their role model.

Do not put blame on children. Address to the situation in a calm and objective manner. Your kids learn to deal with problems based on your take of their problems. Consider it as an excellent parenting opportunity rather than feeling frustrated by the instant onrush.

You can read my article about futility of punishment and reprimands as parenting tools for further insight, if you may wish to.

Dealing with siblings can be arduous for any parent, and everyone wants a short-cut out of these fuming brawls. Yet, as parents, it is our responsibility to help our children forge a strong and respectful bond with their siblings.

Witnessing our offshoots bloom together in joyful bliss, feels no less than divine grace.