Baby Bump and The Career Slump: Burden Of A Guilt No One Should Carry.

Consultant Anesthesiology, mom to a handsome 6-year-old, wife to a loving and understanding husband; my life felt like a perfect example of HAPPY!
Till that one fine day, I noticed the two lines turned pink again. Yes, I got pregnant!

Rather than being joyous on the wonderful discovery, my mind was clouded by the thoughts of fear and guilt. Why? I guess that the so-called independent strong woman label that I carried with pride was hiding underneath it a vulnerable fearful female who was constantly worried about losing her achievements and stature at the hands of this cruel, ruthless and prejudiced society.

I would like to share with you all, my personal experience of how I felt guilty about not being happy about the wonderful news. How the society we live in, irrespective of being dubbed progressive, is still biased towards women especially in the professional sector, and how this bias climbs being almost cruel and heartless when dealing with a pregnant employee.

I hope my writing conveys my emotions and dilemmas well.

Being a woman, it was already very hard on me to prove myself worthy of my achievements in this male-dominated canvas of the corporate world we are dealing with.

Let’s start with some pre-pregnant encounters I had to face:

At the interview:

To him: What are your career aspirations? Where do u see yourself in 2 years/ 10 years from now? How would you be an asset to the company?

To me (read-her): How many kids do u have? Who takes care of them? It’s none of our business though, but please don’t mind, just asking. Do u plan to extend your family any time soon?

Want to leave a bit early today?

For him: His request must be genuine. His bank work was really important.
But when I (read-She) want to leave: What? Must be that baby at home. Always making excuses. That’s why we don’t hire females.

Promotion day:

For him: Truly deserved. Well done.
For me (read-her): She is extremely hard working. A real asset to our company. Great leader, but? Won’t she get married / pregnant? No, no; we can’t afford that. Let’s go to the next HE in line.

And, I was pregnant:

Sir, I would like to share the good news with you that we are expecting a child.
To him: Wow! Congrats bro! New chapter. Wish u luck\ take care of her.
To me (read-her): f#$% /what/ really (all silent expressions actually). She won’t work anymore. Would be sick always / what about maternity leave. In short, we are screwed.

There is so much more of this to him and to her in this society that it made me go nuts and actually become depressed when I found out that I am pregnant. Rather than a typical – OMG! I am pregnant, I was like- Dammit! I am pregnant.
Rather than expressing my gratitude to God, I was like why me? Oh, God!
Rather than tears of happiness, I had streams of dismay flowing inside and outside of me.

Why me?

So, I finally sat down with the undying guilt of not wanting this baby coupled to the fear of what my workplace will feel like now and where my career will head thereafter. The fear of those scowling eyes chasing me all the time? Am I still working as is required of me? Am I still focused enough? Every time I will say I need a break or leave early, people will pity me and label me a kamchor. “Pregnant ho jati hain to kaam karne me takleef hoti hai”. Management will start finding reasons to get rid of me. My company will kick me out/ I will probably be jobless for a long time/none will give me a job anytime soon and etc. My career is gone and so are hopes of that promotion and the raise.
When I will join back, I will be bombarded with the same questions again: Are u sure about this? How will u manage your baby/now babies? We hope that won’t be a cause for our concern. No question about me or my qualification or potential. No, not at all.

All this for what? Because I am a female; I carry the burden of my womb with me.

In all this, I forgot the joy of this new life in my womb, the pleasure they say it brings to create a life. The so-called joy of motherhood.

I am the guilty mother, ashamed of the tears i shed on knowing that i was pregnant.

All this makes me think- does this shameless society even deserve the sacrifices of a woman. Why shall she have to lose her identity, her body, her career, her life, and her peace for giving the gift of life to others?
The CEOs, the HODs, and the policymakers were all tiny specs in the womb of their mothers one fine day, in the history of their creation. These shameless creatures didn’t shudder once before they brought shame to their mother’s womb and sacrifices. How can someone who has roots inside a woman and seeks a woman to spread his roots make another woman feel ashamed and guilty of doing the same?

The puzzle remains unsolved for me.

I had worked hard to prove myself as an invaluable asset for the company I was working with till just when I got pregnant and they decided that I was just an extra; that my post has been shoved down as the company suddenly incurred loss and was downsizing. It’s not the company that downsized that day, it was my whole existence. The physical, emotional, and psychological cost of this journey has been immense. I am now fighting a legal battle for the very rights I am entitled to, by the laws of the land. The ordeal and struggle I underwent in my most vulnerable time and the ones I still have to endure is one story for another time.

And, all of this and more to come, just because I carry the burden of creation on my shoulders.

Disclaimer:   The article was originally submitted with mompresso@ https://www.momspresso.com/parenting/879ab3e4671d4941a06c0ab9ea87fe91/article/the-burden-of-guilt-i-shouldn-t-have-to-carry-4298yas5glp0?lang=0