What’s in a name? It’s time to change this game.
Did you consider changing your surname after marriage or you being ‘The Modern Age Woman’, decided to keep it unchanged?
New age dilemma, isn’t it!
I felt no less proud of staying a Darswal despite marrying a Mahajan until my cute little monstrous son presented me with a very valid and thought-provoking query. He looked into my eyes and asked: Mom, Why am I addressed as Mahajan and not Darswal?
As if finally kissed back to life from my deep slumber, I realized that even when we stick to our maiden names after we tie the knot, we carry forward just half of our legacy. Doesn’t the other half matter?
Keeping our maiden identity! Now, that’s a definite step towards the motto of equality and we must feel proud of this decision. Could there be more to this? I think, YES. That too, way before the marriage. The real equality and proof of devotion to the feminism we endorse today would have been accepting our mother’s maiden surname, with pride. How many of us have even thought of doing that? So, the names we identify ourselves with, are in reality imprints of just one half of our inheritance, and this somehow emanates patriarchy to me.
Is it hitting the ‘bullseye’ or hitting a bull in the eye?
Momentary pleasure or a fleeting gain, this doesn’t satisfy my intellectual brain. A Priyanka Chopra Jonas is definitely well done, but to what fruit if the little ones inherit the Jonas tag alone. Where did the Chopra legacy go? It marks an end to the well earned and fiercely fought-for equality. Why despite all talk on feminism, no one cares about the (almost) universal non-existence of our maternal identity?
The trap is lucrative. You can keep your maiden name. Beware, there is a hidden clause at the bottom which we fail to pay attention to, as always. “This identity you bear, having no imprint of your maternal lineage, will not be allowed to display any hint of your existence in your own progeny as well”.
Personally, a world without caste, color, or creed label is the best possible version and probably an apt choice for anyone in love with peace and equality.
My cherished maiden name now feels like a dissimulation. A false sense of security that beats its own purpose. Does feminism exist in carrying forward our father’s surname, without any consideration to what our mothers once owned with pride?
What more could we do?
There are many possible way-outs here and as expected, one more confusing and baffling than others. Let’s consider Shilpa Shetty naming her daughter- Samisha Shetty Kundra, that beautifully proffers the child with a sense of equal belonging. However, where would it lead us? How many “Surnames” or tags one must keep adding on before this charm becomes a burden. And, whose name comes first: Shetty Kundra vs Kundra Shetty. The debate is worth a thought.
Some may contest that the child should carry a maternal surname only. She is the one who nurtures life in her womb, bears the pain of bringing her progeny into the world, and pushes a lucrative career aside among innumerable other sacrifices made along the way. If one of the two parents deserves the respect of having their legacy carried forward, it’s definitely ‘the she‘ among the two. This too defeats the cause of the ‘fight for equality’, and to an ancient patriarchal system, this may seem madly radical.
Milind Sonam who suffixed his wife’s surname to his name rather than the omnipresent vice versa has set a beautiful example. Love and respect are all that matters.
Unbiased minds quote- why a surname at all? Aren’t we capable of having an identity without that attached suffix? Yes, we are and we should be. It seems just the answer to me. We bring a life into this world yet no one owns that precious soul, neither he nor she. Let our suffixes be guided by what we are and not merely serve as birth tags.
What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
William Shakespeare
By any other name would smell as sweet
Can we leave it as a matter of personal choice, Free will?
That brings me back to the instance that made me think about all this and more. My handsome and inquisitive 6 years old Advitya, came to me reflecting deeply on why is he named this particular way? Such an intelligent question that never occurred to me before. I explained to him the patriarchal system of our society in a friendly, matter-of-fact, and non-biased manner. At the same time, I took this opportunity to discuss this old system’s validity in the present context. So many of us choose not to follow it blindly anymore, for example, Tanuja refused any surname while Kajol did take Devgan later on. It’s a matter of personal choice that we can make as we grow up.
He was curious if he can rename himself someday. My reply was simple, Yes. As a matter-of-fact, he has all the legal freedom to do so, once he is an adult. Justifiable for his age, he suggested some fancy ones like tiger, Singham, and so on. I am glad he asked that question and hope that I gave him the confidence of having a choice in the matter. He was sheepishly smiling when he declared: “If my wife has a better sounding surname, I may want to keep that, Maa”. That was a very innocent, and impartial take.
Do we, as parents, make sure we make our kids aware of their choices? I feel it is the most important first step for this hard to achieve ‘goal of equality’. We must sow the right seeds in the tender and fertile soil of these beautiful little minds. Till that time comes, all we can do is water the planted seed with love, hope, affection, and utmost honesty.
Yet, there are many who would refuse to give this seemingly ‘pity issue’ (as they call this), any space in their meaningful thoughts. However, this same lobby will never surrender following the age-old, tag-me-on-my-birth system.
I leave the debate open to you valuable suggestions and comments.
If you enjoyed reading this, you may want to read my article on bias against pregnant women in the corporate world.
Baby Bump And The Career Slump: Burden Of A Guilt No One Should Carry.