How to help your child cope up with the death of a parent.
Nothing can be more frightening for a child than to bear the untimely death of a parent. The emotional trauma is beyond the scope of human expression. Although this deadly COVID wave has struck us hard and left many of us grieving the loss of loved ones, the grief that has befallen the children who lost their parents has been the worst. Abrupt, untimely, and so very harsh has been the turn of fate for these little hearts. Unspeakable is the pain of those who lost both their guardians.
While enduring the loss of a spouse is no less of an ordeal, the parent left to grieve must rise over his or her best ‘coping’ potential to help the child sail through this difficult time (unhurt and stronger). Your strength will help these little feet stay strongly grounded despite the hurricane. Your embrace will be their solace, soothing these most vicious scars of time. While most parents desire to do this, many get lost in how to do this?
Be honest, tell them the truth
Easier said than done. But, it would be the best foot forward when your child hears the news from you. Be honest about what happened. There is absolutely no need to indulge in details, yet their queries need honest and empathetic answers. Not only is it their right to know about the truth, but it is also the most trustworthy approach.
Don’t expect your child to understand GONE TO SLEEP; S/HE IS NOW WITH GOD; YOUR FATHER/ MOTHER IS IN A BETTER PLACE; S/HE IS NO LONGER WITH US; GOD HAS PUNISHED US BY TAKING HIM/HER AWAY. A child may not comprehend the meaning behind the phrases and make imaginary stories around it drifting away from reality. When they don’t know the reason for the death, they often fill in with their guilt or self-blame stories.
Understand their grief
Every child grieves in a different manner suited for his or her level of intellect and emotional maturity.
A child’s understanding of death
Children less than 2 years: this group has no understanding of death, but they do feel the parent’s absence. The usual pattern of grief is excessive crying, altered sleep pattern, and eating difficulties. The sadness of surviving parent affects them in the long term more than the absence of the lost parent.
2-6 years: this group has the concept of death but lacks insight into its permanence. May think that the parent will eventually return; often get caught in the guilt of having done something wrong that offended the almighty and feel responsible for the death. Toddlers are poor in expressing their grief in words and display signs of irritability, aggression, physical symptoms, difficulty sleeping, or regression (such as bed-wetting, infant-talk, or thumb-sucking). The sadness of surviving parent affects them deeply.
6-12 years: They recognise and accept the permanence of death but are still not mature enough to handle the emotional turmoil or express their grief. Often exhibit avoidance, loss of school attendance, withdrawal from friends, and regression.
Teenagers: This fragile group knows the concept and consequences of death yet lacks adult experience and maturity to handle such a deep and personal loss like the death of a parent. May resort to substance abuse, lose interest in studies, indulge in reckless behaviours, such as substance use, physical aggression, and sexual lewdness.
A child’s way OF handling the grief may include:
- Withdrawal, not interested in communication with family or friends.
- Periods of nonstop crying interspersed with normal behaviour or silent phases.
- Desire to talk about the loss in detail, ask daunting questions.
- Aggressiveness.
- The feeling of guilt/ shame.
- Excessive need for attention.
All of these are normal mechanisms that help the child cope (with the death of the parent), provided that they don’t outlast the expected duration. The key to their uneventful return to normalcy is YOU.
Be the support they need you to be
Listen unconditionally
Listen, listen and listen. There is no greater remedy for this grief than to talk it out. Please encourage your child to be open with his/her emotions: repeatedly ask about how they feel, communicate your own feelings, inspiring the talk. Unabatingly, listen to their trepidations for the present and future, look for any difficulties they might face, actively inquire if they desire to know about anything more, or are apprehensive about any particular thing/ matter? Don’t be judgemental/ prejudiced; let them talk their hearts out. The more they let out, the better they would feel.
Be honest even to the most daunting questions
- Will you die too?
- Who will take care of me?
- Do we have money for my school now?
- Will I die too?
- Did I do something wrong that GOD took away him/her so soon?
- Will GOD punish us too?
- Will mommy/daddy come back?
These simple questions can be the most haunting ones to apprehend when they pertain to your life. DO NOT LIE OR TELL A FALSE COVER-UP STORY. Always be honest, and tell the truth. Try to allay the anxiety of the child in a very calm, supportive and empathetic manner. Be real; tell them about your own fears and apprehensions. Be hopeful; let them feed on your optimism and feel guarded by your presence. Your repeated reassurances are most pivotal in reinfusing confidence and positivity in their little hearts.
Help them find a healthy way to express the grief:
- drawing his or her emotions
- making a scrap book
- making a journal
- telling their own story in their own way about the death of a parent. Even if it sounds out of context and invented, it is an excellent way to help them vent out. At the same time, you would have an excellent opportunity to correct the myths and guilt the child may be harbouring as a child’s story has emotions s/he is not able to explicitly express
Help them find peace in this turbulence. Cry with them, laugh with them, sit in silence together, but never him/her alone. Encourage the talk, support the talk and be very honest with your emotions. There is no better healer for him or her than you. Be the support they need, ask for the support you need. Together, this too shall pass!
Relive the happy memories, speak fondly about the departed parent; let them be a part of your present and future.
Talk about happy memories, revisit the fond lanes of your past together. Don’t hesitate to mention the departed person’s references in day to day life. Your father/ mother loved this dish and would jump with joy when I made this for dinner; this is his/her favourite colour; s/he wished to visit this place, we shall someday make his/her wish come true. Your child will feel the presence of the departed parent in these moments. This infuses a sense of connection despite the physical absence. Making a ‘happy-us-memory album’ with all the enamoured recollections preserved in a photo album/ scrapbook often helps heal the child.
Maintain a routine.
Try not to disturb the child’s routine as much as possible, be it at home or school. It may help to enrol the child in some online activity of your child’s liking. Although it is natural to be alienated from worldly affairs for quite a time after losing a spouse, try to put your child’s routine back on track as soon as possible.
Let them see that it’s ok to grieve.
Model the behaviour that you expect of your child at this vulnerable time. There is no need to put up a brave face all the time. It’s natural and expected of you to be emotionally fragile. Let them be your support and feel your pain. You will be amazed at the emotional maturity your child will show and the ease with which they will approach you at times when they feel vulnerable and need a shoulder to cry.
Do not separate your child in this hour of immense emotional turmoil. Despite the popular notion, this is not a protective gesture and often proves counterproductive. The child may come to hear disturbing things from someone else and will not have you around for answers and support. This is like abandoning your child in the most critical turn of his/ her life. The trauma can be immense and may break the bond of trust between you and your child. It’s his/her right to be with you and grieve with you. Let them be present, and be present for them. This is not the time to leave each other alone.
Should a child attend a parent’s funeral?
Yes, if they are mature enough and wish to attend. It should not be forced upon, especially on emotinally labile younger kids who may not want to witness the funeral at all. Always give them a choice and make sure to respect their choice. When they wish to attend, make sure to pre-emptively converse about the expected rituals s/he will be witnessing. The family should make an effort to include older children in the planning and conduct of the funeral. Not only does it put them in a position of responsibility, but it is also an excellent way of handling and imbibing the loss.
Children should be encouraged to say their goodbye in a way they feel comfortable: a loving piece of poetry, a hand-made card, or a gift for the departed parent. The failure to bid goodbye to the beloved parent often translates into a major regret once the child grows up. The child may feel cheated and hold a grudge against the surviving parent.
Any message, video or letter addressed to the child from the departed parent should be shared with the child and handed over to them as soon as possible.
Be alert for the red signs, seek help at the earliest.
In most cases, the child will learn to cope and adjust to the new situation with the help and guidance of the living parent. But, some children may not be able to respond healthily and need expert help in making peace with the death of the parent and moving on with life.
- Prolonged aggressive behaviour with potentially harmful anger bursts.
- Reluctance to talk despite your best efforts, hesitance/ resistance in talking about the parent.
- Social withdrawal, denial to be part of any social activity (school/ family gathering).
- Drug abuse, common coping strategy in teenage children.
- Eating/ sleeping disorders.
- Strong guilt, feeling responsible for the death of the parent.
Losing a loved one is one hell of a life-shattering experience for you and your child identically. Ultimately, you both will find your peace and move on, but at what cost? You should obtain solace and comfort in your child, and his/her wounds heal with your love and support. Share the sorrow with your child and let them open their hurting hearts to you. Seek help when you find yourself unable to shoulder the responsibility, or the grief of your child becomes a threat to his/her long term physical and mental health.
You are the guardian angel in charge of preserving your child caught in the snarls of this perverse time.
You can contact me in the comments or on my Facebook page if you require support or are experiencing difficulty talking to your child about the ill-fated death of his/her parent.
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